How do we get to who we want to be? What are the precision points in our compass? When directions compete, how do we prioritize?
In life, we establish our bearings by making comparisons between what we know about ourselves and what we observe in others. We constantly self-define. We seek out ideas and characteristics that embody who we’d like to be and add them to support our self-definition.
Much of our prioritization comes from a basic need for approval. We want to emulate those we admire and we want them to admire us in return. Earliest, this would be our parents. Later, we turn to our peers, moving away from the influences in our home and traveling in the outside world. Suddenly, too, we proclaim that “we’re different.” But we take care not to be too different. While we might not want to conform, there generally is a sameness to our non-conformity!
As we grow into adulthood, our peer group expands and contracts. We fear that we’ll allow ourselves to be swallowed competely by the identifiers we seek. We yearn to be part of, but we guard the individual we perceive ourselves to be. We may re-embrace that which we have forsaken. We return to safe harbor.
We’ll change a minor thing or two to put our personal stamp on expectations to maintain the identity we’ve cultivated. There is a marvelous scene in The Bird Cage where Nathan Lane – dressed as a proper heterosexual – emerges in an impeccably-tailored, somber suit, only to reveal shocking pink socks when he crosses a leg. “It needed a little color,” he says wanly, knowing all the while he’s doomed. He cannot be what he needs to be in that moment, beause he will forsake himself. His compass is intact.
Recently, I joined an online discussion that sparked from the suggestion that we attempt to sail the sea of human interaction without our compass. The question was: what if we were free from the habit of needing to assign qualifiers – precision points – to those we encounter. Is it possible to view another as a blank slate, unexplored, without preconception?
What would we discover if we were free from pre-judgment? What part does judgment play in evaluation? Is it naive or foolhardy to suspend or disregard our compass points? What is the difference between fear and skepticism in interaction?
The magnetic pole was discovered to be well south of the north pole by Norse travelers. The explorers needed to adjust their compass to account for the difference. When adjustments need to be made, or even when we agree to sail without a compass entirely, what experience can we rely upon to make decisions? Will we find ourselves on unfamiliar shore? What are the stakes for willingly blind explorers? Will we risk? Would we place our trust in a captain who doesn’t use our compass, or one at all? What is our true north?
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Peter and Betsy Wuebker are location-independent professionals who share what they know about travel, simplicity and integrating work with life. 
Hi Betsy – this is an interesting post. And no matter how much we dislike the fact, we base a lot of our expectations on things we already know. It’s difficult not to and probably dangerous sometimes.
As you say, when we attempt to be different, often we’re not that different at all, we’re just learning from a new set of people.
Hi Cath – I don’t think it’s possible to suspend our compass points, either, although it’s intriguing to think about. At the very least, you’d have to be dealing with someone who agreed to do so as well, or the risk factor would be too large, no?
My teenagers were watching an episode of the MTV series, “Made” where the 15 year old young lady wore a Harry Potter cape to school and carried a large stick which she used like a magic wand.
Her compass was definitely calibrated quite uniquely, to say the least.
By the way, she applied to be on the show because she wanted to “fit in” with other teens. Seems her uniquely calibrated compass was causing no end to social difficulty in the treacherous halls of high school.
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Hi Betsy – In some ways when we “meet” others online, they are a blank slate. But then as we read their words and “see” how they interact with others, it’s easy to make assumptions about them. Although I do think a person can be a blank slate for a short period of time, inevitably we’ll soon put a label (of some sort) on them.
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Hi Betsy. Very interesting analogy with the compass. What find interesting is when I speak to someone on the phone that I haven’t met, how I draw up a visual image of what I think they might look like. I’m always so wrong! I like your concept of viewing others as a blank slate. I just can’t imagine doing that, I mean… I don’t think I could pull it off.
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Hi Kathy – Bless that girl’s heart – she was marching to a different drummer. I bet there is somebody out there just like her, though, somewhere. I remember groups of kids at my kids’ high school who dressed Goth – all the same, though.
Hi Barbara – Yes, you’re right about online. Everyone is free from misconception at first. Words and thoughts get to the heart of a person without interference. But, also, there is lots of room for phony personas, too, isn’t there? I remember someone telling me in the 1990′s that she loved being online because it was then that she could be the person she wanted to be. I wondered what was keeping her from that in real life?
Hi Davina – I remember in the 1970′s I had to talk to this salesman who had the sexiest voice – oh, it was such a pleasure! Then I go to NY and meet him and well…let’s just say the visual was way better than the reality. I wish I could claim the idea of blank slate, but it was presented in another discussion. I found it so intriguing, but, like you, I doubt I could suspend my own patterns.
Hi Betsy. LOL about that salesman… “the death of a salesman???”
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Hahaha Davina – no doubt. I still remember his name, too. He worked for a blue jeans company. More like, “death of a dream.” hahaha