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“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?” “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.” “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit. “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.” “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?” “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
My first job out of college was at a large chain of women’s clothing stores. As a lowly assistant buyer, it was my responsibility to trouble-shoot merchandising problems. I worked closely with the merchandise distributor, Joel, whose job it was to oversee the transfer and allocation of clothing, hanger by hanger, to stores that were prioritized by sales volume and customer type.
Joel’s job was even more thankless than mine. Inevitably, we would be short-shipped (“we had to ship Bloomingdale’s before you”) or there would be damages (“it got run over by a truck on 7th Avenue”), or the buyers had failed to allow for advertised minimums. With over 80 stores, merchandise needed to go where it could best be sold. This was a highly inexact science. My phone would ring several times a day and Joel’s morose voice on the other end of the line would, without preamble, announce, “Betsy, this could be real.”
We were desperately trying to sell trendy clothing when folks wanted to spend on necessary items and deal with the first energy crisis. Joel’s verbal assessments evolved into a hierarchy. The clues ranged from the merely “could be real” to “this is a real one.” Situations escalated into “this is definitely real” and, ultimately, “really real.“ Once the pronouncement was made, we would scurry and ward off any number of resulting disasters.
The environment in which we slaved was tough. We could count on swift measures – layoffs or banishment to the stores – once sales figures were in. There were lots of jobless peers waiting to take our place. Our weekly gross margin benchmark determined whether we made budget. From that number we calculated our Open To Buy. There was no gray area. Our situation was really real.
I went into that job wet behind the ears, idealistic and naive. It was a baptism into values other than those with which I had been raised. Essential truths that I held were changed by circumstance and experience. Good old-fashioned Midwestern realities were hit head-on in the fast lane and irrevocably altered. Cynics are made, not born, and that industry tried its best to make me one.
Once our perception of what’s real is altered, we can feel betrayed. We harden up and get cynical. Truth evolves, as we have recently seen in politics, from repetition. What is “my truth” may be different from “your truth.” We are told we need to “own” our reality by validation or asserting it more forcefully. Does anyone wonder whether O.J. Simpson thinks he’s guilty of Nicole’s murder anymore? He’s spent so many years proclaiming his innocence, he really believes it. We’ve seen many such attempts to rewrite history.
“We’re surrounded. That simplifies our problems.” Lt. Gen. “Chesty” Puller
In our longing to be sophisticated in our discernment, we cynically question. My daughter informed me during an argument, “My teachers said we should question everything, and that’s what I’m doing with you.” Really! Preserving our precious truth requires us to determine if someone is blowing smoke. We incessantly, defensively factcheck. Screenshots preserve information from arbitrary changes or manipulations, or from disappearing completely down the memory hole. “That’s not true . . . except now it is.” How about when the Chinese scrubbed websites proving their gymnasts weren’t of proper Olympian age? Was anyone shocked? Not that they did, but maybe that they got away with it. Our collective memory seems not to last beyond a week or so.
Part of good legal work involves citing “points and authorities” in support of a motion, complaint or response. In venues where there is no instantaneous method to check, confident demeanor might allow the presentation of something completely non-factual, yet have it accepted or non-contested. See: Vice-Presidential and Presidential Debates. Still, one of the worst things someone can be called is a “lying liar.” Do you need to be the devil in order to tell someone to go to hell?
Lately, in light of these many metamorphoses, I’ve been compiling a list of what I know is real. What is real, like the Skin Horse says, is not only what we believe, but what we love. My list is comprised of reliable ideas and concepts, conventional wisdom or common sense which has withstood the test of time, things that likely won’t fall prey to change for change’s sake.
Here’s the list in progress:
- no shame in hard work
- family comes first
- keep going, never quit
- ordinary is extraordinary
- consensus can garble intent
- common sense isn’t common
- more bragging = less likely
- the last word rarely is
This list is by no means complete. What would you add?
What is real?
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Peter and Betsy Wuebker are location-independent professionals who share what they know about travel, simplicity and integrating work with life. 
Yikes, that sounds like a truly scary environment to work in.
Matthew Dryden´s last blog post..Tree’s First Entry: Familiar Beginnings
Hi Betsy – it’s funny how people will proclaim that their own experience is “real” – like saying for example that the job they do is in the “real world”, unlike, say, school teaching (which is what I used to do – what could be more “real” than a class of 30 teenagers?)
I go with the idea that love in its various expressions is real, and fear in its expressions isn’t. And to add to your list: “the joy I feel when I’m doing something I love doing” – that’s real to me!
Robin´s last blog post..Bloggers’ Recording Project
Hi Matthew – Looking back on that job environment, and the one that immediately followed is far more scary than actually working there was at the time. I was so young, I felt invincible. Even so, the industry exacted a huge burn-out rate. Now that I have more than a few years on me, and more options, it’s easy to wonder what was I thinking?
Hi Robin – Welcome! Yes, our reality is totally our own and not that of others!
The impression is also a function of our view into the insular worlds of others. If we perceive them as being protected from harsh realities – like someone who is in a safe, little classroom as opposed to hustling equity trades – then that world is seen as “less real.” I love your entry for the list. I’m going to be keeping track of these, and following up. Thanks for coming by!
I watched “Meet the Robinsons” with my son yesterday… and I’d add straight from that movie- “Keep moving forward”
It’s not a great movie – but that was a GREAT motto.
Kathy @ Virtual Impax´s last blog post..Steps to Starting a Small Business: #6 Setting Your Rates
Betsy,
Like Matthew said – “yikes”. I’ve been in places like that myself, which is one of the main things that pushes me forward.
Your list is great, and I’m not exactly sure what to add. One thing I do know that is real is the value of creation. As in, create something of value through your hard work, and you will feel a great sense of satisfaction.
When I ran a machine shop 12 years ago, I went home every day, knowing I’d built something of value with my own hands.
I cannot say that today while working at this document factory…
-Brett
Brett Legree´s last blog post..the game.
I had some horror jobs, too, in Manhattan, but I don’t need to go into them. It’s ancient history now, except for laughs.
What’s real? My ever-so-practical self would say “only what’s tangible.” Yes, I did succumb to the cynicism, which started in grade school. Another part of me would say, “what’s provable.” Is it any wonder I’m running into roadblocks in exploring spirituality?
Dot´s last blog post..Featured Reader
I like your list of real. Another one: when you love someone, you don’t try to change them.
Hi Kathy – I agree – great motto, not so great movie. My business partner always says, “Press on.” I love that, it’s so Brit-sounding.
Hi Brett – “Create something.” You’re so right. A tangible result is so much more satisfying than an empty inbox.
Hi Dot – I think you’re with Brett – tangible and provable is definitely real. Where we run into problems is with faith, isn’t it? Ha, maybe we should tackle that one in the future.
Hi Vered – Thank you! Yes, accept and love what is. Or don’t. Don’t think it will work if it’s about what you think could be in someone, or what you wish for. Been there. What is, is way better.
Hi Betsy – I read this line, “Good old-fashioned Midwestern realities were hit head-on in the fast lane and irrevocably altered. Cynics are made, not born, and that industry tried its best to make me one.”, and said, “been there, done that”. The world of “big business” tests those realities and values, doesn’t it?
I love your list, and I completely agree that “common sense in not common”. This took be awhile to figure out, but once I did, I realized I was blessed as I did have common sense. It’s taken me far.
Barbara Swafford – Blogging Without A Blog´s last blog post..A.S.K. Darren Rowse – Problogger – What Is The Future Of Blogging
Hi Betsy – It sounds like your first job wasn’t a walk in the park. On the Internet people seem to rewrite history so often, I lose track of the truth. The only truth’s I can think of right now: I know who won my best ass competition and nobody gets to find out until tomorrow, when they see their ass on my blog.
Aside from that – we will always need to eat to stay alive, I will always want to kill people when I have PMT and whoever is running our country will always be the biggest asshole on earth – until we get the next one.
Cath Lawson´s last blog post..Do You Have Business Questions?
Hi Barbara – Oh yes indeed! It’s a wonder I didn’t dislocate my jaw from my mouth constantly agape! I’m glad I’ve never lost my interest in what makes people tick! Thanks.
Hi Cath – LOL you’re on an ass roll! (sounds like sushi) Yeah, rewriting history is a peeve for me, too. My first job, I like to think, is best viewed from a distance! Thanks.