Photo by Betsy Wuebker
“A garden is always a series of losses set against a few triumphs, like life itself.” – May Sarton
With all the emphasis lately on poor performance and financial rescue packages, I’ve been thinking about the different ways people react to failure in themselves and others. Why do some people respond to a setback with even more determination to succeed the next time? Why are others unprepared to fail?
What makes us keep trying? What triggers resignation and hopelessness? If “you’ve failed” is a terrible message to receive, does it stand to reason that “you’ve failed at everything” would be a catalyst for depression? What does “you will fail no matter what” do to a psyche? What about people who seem unbowed by repetitive failure? What’s different about their experience that creates a tenacious spirit?
I’m no psychologist, but I’ve had ample opportunity to observe humans. Our earliest years are filled with tenacity. It combines with instinct to achieve developmental milestones. Think of how many times a baby will pull himself up only to fall back, again and again. None of us would be walking if we weren’t tenacious enough to keep trying. But what makes the baby keep at it? Simple. Babies see older children and adults walking, and they believe they can, too.
Hugh MacLeod of gapingvoid.com has said that the market for something to believe in is infinite. People want to believe. They crave the absolute certainty that inspires confidence. Babies see us walking, and nothing tells them they can’t either. The innate instinct combines with observation to create intense desire, and tenacity arises out of belief.
People only want what might be for a little while. They really want what unquestionably is, and this want propels to progress. To babies who are almost ready to walk, walking is unquestionably what people do. They envision themselves walking, and they continue to try and fail, try and fail, and try again. Thomas Edison set out to make a light bulb, and failed spectacularly over 1500 times before he got a working prototype. He had a vision of an outcome, and was doggedly tenacious until it transpired. What messages are transmitted and received when failure occurs?
“My reputation grows with every failure.” – George Bernard Shaw
Failure has long been associated with a sense of shamed responsibility. Failures were whispered about in small communities, and sensationalized in larger ones. Society ensured you took responsibility for your failures be enacting consequences, and there was very little wiggle room once they were assigned. The specter of failure drove repeated attempts toward success. If at first you didn’t succeed, you tried, again and again. You either basked in the glory of your achievements, or you owned up to your part in a disappointment.
What changed? Brad Feld recently discussed the shift away from the natural cause and effect of bearing consequences that leads to solutions. Instead, he noted that an “ethos of ‘lack of responsibility’ is finding its way into every nook and cranny of the discussion. The connotation of ‘bailout’ is ‘it’s not my fault – please bail me out.’ “ Where does this come from?
Winners and losers. Anyone who has raised children within the last 20 years is familiar with the movement that allowed self-esteem to trump common sense. Everyone had to be a winner; there were no losers. Outcomes were manipulated to protect fragile egos in kindergartners all the way through Ph.D’s. The only problem I could ever see with “everyone’s a winner” is that it’s a lie. If you have never failed, how are you going to know what to do when you do?
It’s important to fail sooner rather than later. If you’ve messed up and gotten yourself back on track, aren’t you far ahead of the person to whom everything has come so easy? What happens when you, the straight A high school student, go to college and get your first F? What terrible bewilderment befalls the superstar who is suddenly fired when lackluster effort doesn’t deliver?
What about responsibility? By protecting from loss, we’ve removed more than one common sense principle from our lexicon. The need to develop a tenacious approach for success in the face of failure is critical for progress. Instead, by denying failure exists, we’ve created a propensity for collective denial so great that it has spawned conditions that created the most catastrophic economic meltdown in memory. Yet, amazingly, no one seems to be responsible!
Michael Lewis, the author of Liar’s Poker, an expose of Wall Street excess written in the late 1980′s, writes that he still to this day can’t believe he was paid hundreds of thousands of dollars as an inexperienced 24-year-old to guess which stocks would rise and fall. He reiterates that he hadn’t the first clue, but it was of no matter. Enormous capital allocations were made by people who couldn’t explain what they were buying or selling. And still, during this colossal fail, we see executives who can’t bring themselves to admit their culpability in the matter, who don’t see the irony of traveling to Washington in their private jets to ask for billions of dollars in handouts, and who expect a bailout as a matter of course because they’re “too big to fail.”
What happens when things are too easy? When the road is smooth and straight, we travel under the false perception that the world can be ours with very little effort. We get because we’re entitled, because we deserve, because we are.
Lewis describes a memorable lunch with his former CEO where he realizes the man was pathologically incapable of accepting responsibility for a series of disastrous decisions. Wall Street and General Motors executives are so far removed from personal vesting in their corporate outcomes that a total disconnect from the consequences of decision-making is evident. If this propensity exists in the highest echelons of business and government, what can we expect to occur in our neighborhoods?
Seth Godin famously congratulates the newly fired by saying, “You are free now to be who you are meant to be.” I heard early in my career that if you weren’t fired at least once in your life, you must not be doing your job well. You fail, you fall down, you get slapped around a little bit, swallow your pride, and then you must get up again. Howard Lindzon advises, “The rest of you car people, slap together a resume, get it up on indeed.com, and go build something somebody wants.”
If you don’t believe in yourself and feel responsible for your ideas and your actions, all the money in the world won’t compensate you with a meaningful pay-off. If you can’t articulate a zeal for your vision or your work, you won’t accomplish anything worthwhile. If you can convey your belief, you may still fail. However, faith in the rightness of your doing will propel you. From passion and belief, tenacity is born.
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Peter and Betsy Wuebker are location-independent professionals who share what they know about travel, simplicity and integrating work with life. 
Awesome writing Betsy.
Fail early, fail often.
And I agree with what Seth Godin says – perhaps sometimes that’s what a lot of people need – a clean break. At that point, the only way is up.
-Brett
Brett Legree´s last blog post..week 1 – report card.
I lost my shirt on a business venture in my very early twenties. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Far from making me feel like giving up, I just wanted another crack. Those lessons, and the patience I learned once I had children, have made all the difference in my current enterprise. As Brett said, fail early, fail often. Could be the best thing that ever happens.
Writer Dad´s last blog post..Happy Birthday, Pop
I love it Betsy!!
Reminds me of a couple of stories from our kids. First, my daughter. During elementary school – she “managed” to get by. And this year, when she started middle school – we wondered – how would she do? And she is thriving. It’s like all those years in elementary school were years of failing, learning, and growing – even if we didn’t always see it as such. Can the same thing happen for our last son, who’s still in elementary school??? We’re hoping!
I think it shows, though, the idea of tenacity, and keeping at it.
And, now I’m questioning – how do I do at this? Do I have the guts, the tenacity, to be like Edison?
Lance´s last blog post..Ask…And You Shall Receive
Hi Brett – Thank you. I worry about someone who hasn’t been taught the lessons of resiliency that failure provides. The great thing about this country is you can always find another chance.
Hi Sean – Exactly. I was fired when I was 26 years old, and that morning I was the only one in the unemployment line in a cashmere coat. Great new vistas once you are released from what binds you. Thanks.
Hi Lance – Yes, you do have the guts. The funny thing about most people is they rise to the occasion once it presents itself if it’s something they truly care about, like life and death.
Edison had a great quote and I must paraphrase, “I didn’t fail 1,500 times, I learned 1,500 ways that didn’t work.”
It’s been my marketing experience that results are on a scale with various degrees of success (or failure depending on your glass). Many times near or moderate success can also point you in the direction of hitting a homerun. You just have to make sure you’re still at the plate swinging.
Pete´s last blog post..WHITE ROSE WEDDING AND ANNOUNCEMENT POSTAGE
Hi Betsy. Powerful stuff here! “From passion and belief, tenacity is born.” Hallelujah! That gives me chills.
Davina´s last blog post..Small Steps To Empower Your Attitude
Betsy,
Exactly. We are very lucky to live in countries that allow us the luxury of repeated failure – strange as that may sound, it is true.
Failure in so many other places means cessation of existence, but we have really good social nets to help us.
And yet, so many take that for granted and don’t try. Sad.
Brett Legree´s last blog post..week 1 – report card.
Hi Honey – Yep, you can’t hit the ball if you don’t swing. How many times did we say that while watching girls fastpitch games?
Hi Davina – LOL it is powerful, isn’t it! Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks.
Hi Brett – I’ve often wondered what it must be like to know, or worse – think, you are out of chances. Pretty grim.
Betsy,
Exactly. That’s why I think we are so lucky, because except in our final moment of life, we always seem to have another chance.
Brett Legree´s last blog post..week 1 – report card.
Along the lines of this conversation…a friend of mine made an interesting observation today: Parents pay too much attention to their kids when they’re babies, and not enough when they’re teenagers – precisely the point then they lose their tenacity.
Matthew Dryden´s last blog post..If I Vomit For You
Wow Betsy, what a phenomenal post. So well argued. So passionate. So, so right! My son at four and a half wants to be able to do everything immediately. He wants to win. He wants to be the best. He doesn’t want to fumble or fall. As a result I seem to be saying the same things over and over again every day.
- “You just have to keep trying. No one is good at something right away. Just get up and keep trying.”
- “Be patient. The best things in life usually involve some waiting.”
- “You can’t win all the time. And if you want to win, you have to practise. A lot!”
- “There’s nothing wrong with asking for help, but you also have to help yourself.”
I loathe the whole concept of blaming other people for your problems and not owning up to your mistakes. If we don’t ever acknowledge we’ve stuffed up, how do we grow and learn and do better next time? Like any parent, I want to nurture a strong sense of self esteem in my child, but part of that is knowing that he has the power to change his own life and he has all the resources necessary to do that. He will fail and that’s okay. Everyone does. It’s how you find out who you are and what you want and what you are capable of. Your article makes me realize how important it is to be on track with teaching him this.
Kelly
Kelly@SHE-POWER´s last blog post..A Picture Perfect Anniversary
Hi Brett – It just occurred to me that in our final moment of life, perhaps we are getting the best chance of all. Probably another discussion, eh?
Hi Matthew – Great observation! Albert Schweitzer referred to the inner fire going out, then being burst into flame by an encounter with another human being, and how we should be grateful for those people who inspire. Isolated teenagers need repeated encounters that kindle the flame. Thanks.
Hi Kelly – Welcome! Child development is so fascinating. Because my first child had physical delays, it was a revelation to me how the motor and cognitive skills are intertwined in typical development.
It’s such a very fine line when you’re tempted to do for a child who is having difficulty, isn’t it? I snapped on the homework thing when mine were in elementary school. Parents were expected to be active participants in hours of homework every night. What good is homework if you’re only doing it because your mom is nagging you, or even doing it for you? It still makes me crazy!
I believe esteem is built not only by success, but about the messages and support we receive (from ourselves and others) when an outcome is less than we expect or think we deserve. Your son is at a magic age where he can begin to understand these things and you can influence these tendencies. Thanks for coming by!
Betsy,
Hmm. Good point, worthy of much consideration. It reminds me of a conversation my wife had years ago with an elderly person, when she was working as a caregiver. Quite a touching story.
Brett Legree´s last blog post..week 2 – check up.
Hi Betsy – I love the word tenacity. It’s a word that’s not used enough when raising children or even when describing how someone got to be where they are. We often look at others and may say, “Oh, they are so lucky.”, or “They must have been in the right spot at the right time”, but what we don’t see is the tenacity they had/have that got them to where they are.
Isn’t it amazing how babies are born with tenacity and we, as parents or adults, unknowingly take some of that away from them by making things a little bit too easy or showing them shortcuts?
Barbara Swafford – Blogging Without A Blog´s last blog post..NBOTW – An Explorer Of Life
Hi Brett – Yes, food for a series! I bet your wife was spellbound.
Hi Barbara – You’re right! We rarely use the word, yet it is used on us as parents every time we’re in the grocery line with our toddlers! It’s hard as a parent not to give in, but we need to weigh every circumstance for the better good, don’t we? Thanks.
I used to LOVE watching the VH1 series of “behind the music” because they would tell the stories of the people who had “made it big” and often, the trail to success was literally paved with failure.
So often, we see the “end result” – the screaming fans – the successful business -what we don’t see is the YEARS of struggle – the falling down 9 times and getting up 10 – that went into building the “overnight success”. I love those stories – because I hang on to them as I’m wiping the blood from my scraped knees and palms.
By the way, there’s no way for me to “mine” those experiences for gold if I don’t accept my part- my responsibility for the failure. That’s the tough part for me!!! If I don’t do an autopsy – I’m doomed to trip over the same place in the path over and over again!
Kathy @ Virtual Impax´s last blog post..Shedding Light into the Darkest Corners of the Web
Hi Kathy – I love all biographies. So often scratching beneath the surface yields stories of overcoming adversity at tremendous odds. And responsibility pays such a big part – it’s entirely another post. Thank you.
You must have read my mind. I just finished a post on fear of failure! I think the older we get the less willing we are to stub a toe in the name of progress. So that’s why it’s always a good idea to hang around with folks 20 years (or more) younger than you are, to get a jump start now and again.
Good post! G.
Hi Grace – Thank you for coming by! I think the older I get the less fearful I am of failing, so I’m more fearless. Knowing what I know convinces me it won’t be all that bad, so get on with it. But I agree, hanging around with younger people keeps you up on things, like the lingo. Dude….