To me, the most fascinating subject one could study has been the “why” behind human behavior. This fascination hasn’t served me as well as it might have, though. When I was involved with difficult people in my personal and professional lives, I was more interested in understanding what made them tick than I was in moving away from the relationships’ harmful effects. It’s easy to get stuck when you want to understand and empathize, instead of cutting your losses and moving on.
Understanding is an essential first step to disassociating from a difficult person like a narcissist or a bully. People we find difficult to deal with often develop their behaviors out of their perceived need to self-protect. They see themselves as vulnerable, and they decide that the best defense is a good offense. Whether it’s a narcissist who can’t let anyone see beyond the false self they’re projecting, or a garden-variety jerk who is making your life miserable, understanding what motivates behavior is a good first step toward effective dealings. Unfortunately, some of us get “paralysis by analysis” and find ourselves caught up in a destructive cycle instead of moving safely away.
Many difficult behaviors manifest from feelings of inferiority. Paradoxically, narcissists who project their superiority at every opportunity are coming from a place deep down where they view themselves as unworthy. Bullies elevate themselves by putting people down. Folks who are involved with difficult people often realize this and take pity. They see the difficult person’s potential, they may focus on what they perceive as the person’s good qualities, and they may even take up the difficult person’s banner in attempts to convince others that the person just needs a break or is misunderstood.
Taming the outward monster to uncover the tortured, simpatico soul underneath is a time-worn ideal. These Beauty and The Beast scenarios play out in homes and businesses, online and offline, day in and day out. Many difficult people learn to optimize their appealing tendencies, using tactics that exploit good intentions in others for even more gain. The result can be confusing and emotionally draining.
The only way to extract yourself from these types of interactions is to disassociate. This means you have to lessen your investment in the relationship. You must really be indifferent about what happens to the person after you’ve minimized or eliminated your involvement with them. Easy to say, tough to do – especially when we’ve been taught since childhood to turn the other cheek, to seek the good in everyone, and that forgiveness and sympathy are preferable.
Cutting your losses, throwing in the towel, knowing when to fold – all require fine tuning and awareness of your own standards and value. More importantly, you must accept that you cannot change or fix anything but the way in which you respond. You may be able to access or possibly extract an admission or acknowledgment from the difficult person that their behavior is inappropriate. But you’re not going to change them.
Understanding a difficult person should ultimately lead you to relatively fewer expectations of them. A narcissist isn’t going to empathize with you or engage in any sort of long-term emotional reciprocation. They just can’t. They’re too busy maintaining their carefully-constructed facade. Likewise, a workplace bully concerned with protecting his turf, an interfering family member motivated by a need for control, and a high-maintenance person who can’t be there for you are all manipulating relationships to their advantage, not yours.
It’s hard to cut your losses when you’re still invested in a relationship. Getting to a place where you can disassociate can be a lot of work, especially if you’re the type who doesn’t give up easily. It’s easy to be blindsided by and mourn what could have been, instead of what is. But if you’re ever going to move on, you can’t care about all that. You need to care about yourself more. When you do, moving on is a much simpler prospect.
Have you ever had a “lightbulb moment” when you realized you were spinning your wheels in a relationship with a difficult person?
Are there key components to a process that can help to emotionally distance yourself from a destructive relationship?
If you haven’t already downloaded Lori Hoeck‘s and my free e-book, The Narcissist: A User’s Guide, you will find more strategies and tips toward understanding and disassociating from what we think is one of the most difficult and potentially harmful personality types one can encounter. We plan to do more work on this subject in the future, so please feel free to join the email list from the e-book link if it interests you.
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Peter and Betsy Wuebker are location-independent professionals who share what they know about travel, simplicity and integrating work with life. 
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“…you must accept that you cannot change or fix anything but the way in which you respond.” So true. Better to put the energy in our health and well-being than an unhealthy relationship.
Emotionally distancing techniques: stop seeing them as more powerful, smarter, or better than you — you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone! — and start hanging with people who love you for who and what you are and who uplift you so you have a stark comparison with the difficult person’s way of being.
.-= Lori Hoeck´s last blog ..Gaslighting, is someone using this trap on you? =-.
You know… I bet if you were dealing with this personality type and as a test, if you surrendered to their wishes, they’d turn that against you too. There was a quote in “The User’s Guide” that I recall to be something like this: “Don’t love something that can’t love you back.” That made a lot of sense to me.
.-= Davina´s last blog ..On the First Day of Spring =-.
Yep, a couple of lightbulbs have certainly gone on in me — one as a direct result of your Narcissist e-Book. I’d call that one a floodlight, actually!
I love putting my energy into things I like to do, rather than changing someone who will most likely never “get it.” As Lori says above, stop seeing the person as better than you. And focus on what you do well. I remember one of Lance’s “Sunday Thoughts For The Day” and I will not be stating it here verbatim, but something like, just give the world the best you have to offer, and you’ll fly high and free beyond what you ever dream! Darn, I wish I could remember the exact words, because they were such an Ah-ha moment for me!
Excellent!
xo
Hi Lori – Great thoughts. When we’re in the throes of a controlling, harmful relationship, it can be difficult to detach sufficiently to spend even a little time with others. Sometimes an abuser will (correctly) identify our wanting to do so as a threat, too. Valuing yourself enough to prioritize your time and energy is critical. Thanks.
Hi Davina – Well of course they would! LOL! It’s proof that you are less able to deal with things on your own, so much so that you’d have to rely upon their superior abilities at … whatever. And yes, the age-old unrequited love most of us have experienced at one time or another. The difference for healthy people is they have a realistic assessment on non-reciprocated feelings. Thanks.
Hi Jannie – Your words reminded me of something a dear friend used to say frequently: “If they’re not bringing out the best in you, it can’t be good in the long run.” And Lance was right, giving your best includes treating yourself well and thinking of yourself as deserving. Thanks.
Hi Betsy,
Like you, I’ve spent lots of time trying to understand the “why” behind people, and add to that being taught to accept others as they are, had me spending too much time defending “them”. Oh, if only I knew then, what I know now.
.-= Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..Warning! Online Bullies Hide Behind Their Words =-.
Hi Betsy .. so important to realise that we, and only we, are each responsible for our reactions .. just wish it was easier to control! Sometimes things just get out of hand on emotional issues .. I’m probably better with others than I am with my own family – and I guess that’s the way with us all. Not being married now – I leave – and at least being independent I can do that, but not my family ….
Perhaps that is one point to make .. being independent .. I always have been – but too many rely on others for all sorts of reasons and perhaps we should encourage some kind of individual responsibility independence – so we can look after ourselves & be aware of difficult possibilities ahead at times in our life.
We are too protected by the State .. we don’t seem to be able to analyse and work out why things happen to us .. we’ve taken those decisions ourselves. Or work out how we can help ourselves and dig ourselves out of our own hole.
Thanks – I hope not too off topic .. have a good rest of the week – Hilary
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..Spring Cleaning and Passion …. =-.
It takes a life time to learn all this stuff, doesn’t it? And to respond to Barbara S above, each Ah-Ha! sends us to that place “If I’d only known then…”
I think we all think we can fix things: bad relationships, people, events. And a lot of things we can fix. Just not other people. It’s not our job. Our job is to relate, and if that’s not possible after giving a fair shot, move on.
It hurts my ego though. I want to ‘undo’ nastiness and selfishness and lies and set the record straight! Haha. But to stay involved is destructive. I know this from experience — who of us hasn’t had at least one narcissist to deal with?
Lori said surround yourself instead with people who love you for who you are and who uplift you. Amen! And I’d add to that, with people whom I can love for who they are and feel genuine when I uplift them.
.-= Barb Hartsook´s last blog ..Do We Recognize Opportunities as They Soar Over Us? =-.
Hi Barbara – Well, at least we’re learning, right? I know exactly what you mean about the different kinds of energies that can be expended, too. Thanks again for the opportunity to guest post on the Online Bullies subject.
Hi Hilary – You’re right about reliance and dependence. It can be very easy to justify mistreatment when you’re in need. Outsourcing our responsibilities to ourselves is a very slippery slope. Thanks for pointing that out.
Hi Barb – Yes, sometimes it’s hard to know what part discretion should ultimately play in valor, isn’t it? I love how you amplified Lori’s thought, too. And taking a lifetime to learn is probably the only way some of us would recognize the lesson, myself in particular. I wasn’t too good at that early on.
I’ve been dealing with a bully supervisor for a few months now. Everyone tells me to be forgiving and send her light. But I go home crying and spend the day anxious and self doubting. Now, I’ve had enough. It’s time to leave and she won’t pass me. She wants to continue to torment me. I have to leave, and just get away from people like this. But, I just agree with her and do what she asks. Whats the matter with me?
Hi linda – Welcome to Passing Thru! You’re in a tough situation and it’s taking a toll. You might want to take a look at our e-book. We talk about how one strategy for dealing with a difficult person is to acquiesce, but we also included some tips about how to be more assertive that might help toward a break through. Thanks.
I was in a church meeting with my Pastor this morning discussing this very subject and the topic came up about how the “Turn the other cheek and forgive” idea often holds us in a pattern of staying in a vicious cycle. I was discussing a long, long ago situation where it took me over two years to fully leave an extremely abusive situation and members of my ( at that time) church actually encouraged me to forgive, understand and stay in the relationship.
What we were agreeing about today was this. Forgiving and understanding the why behind hurtful and abusive people is one thing. Allowing ourselves to be subjected to hurtful and abusive behavior is not loving ourselves, which-in the end- is harmful to us, and everyone around us that is affected by us including our family, loved ones, and co-workers who don’t receive our best because of the torment we allow. Therefore, by accepting abuse, we pass it along unwittingly to others. The kindest, most loving thing we can do for everyone…is to walk away and never look back.
.-= Wendi Kelly-Life’s Little Inspirations´s last blog ..Little Great Things =-.
Reading this took me back a few years, when I was dating a “difficult” person. I swore as I read your words, you were writing about the guy I dated! And just like what you wrote, I had to detach from him completely – stop caring for and trying to “save” him, in order to care for and “save” myself. I cut off all contact – which at first felt harsh – but after many failed attempts with minimized conversation, I realized I needed complete separation.
That worked perfectly, and I’m happy to say that when I cut him out of my life, I opened up space for true love to appear in the form of an easy-to-be-with, positive person who resonates with me much better — healthier!
An Archeologist at the University of Washington says that getting to figure out people is her job and the social workers job and the sociologists job and they are supposed to be disassociated so that they can see the problems and sort it out…
She also said to her teens: ” I do and did the best that I can with the knowledge that I have at the time. When I learn something new, I can do better.”
This is great writing and a good continuation of your book and information sharing. Thank you
.-= Patricia´s last blog ..In fair Ashland, we lay our scene… =-.
Hi Wendi – So true: “Allowing ourselves to be subjected to hurtful and abusive behavior is not loving ourselves, which-in the end- is harmful to us, and everyone around us…” I think this is one of most widely-misinterpreted tenets associated with forgiveness. Thank you for offering this explanation – your pastor sounds wonderful!
Hi Megan – You’re so right that when we allow these interactions to take space in our lives, we don’t have room for better ones. It’s like decluttering in a way. I’m glad you realized this and look how you were rewarded! Thank you.
Hi Patricia – Yes, I think awareness leads to learning and understanding. Back in the day there just wasn’t the ability to access good information and tips on how to deal with these difficult personalities, and I believe more people just were resigned to mistreatment. Thanks.
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