Even those of us who think we’re ready to be mothers find that we are taken by surprise. The worriers among us have fretted during anticipation, practice, and still do from the empty nest. There is an abundance of things to learn from motherhood, the least of which is that the exalted condition can not be defined in general terms. But even so, in honor of Mother’s Day I thought I would share some of the things I’ve learned for myself in the 23 years I’ve had the gig, and from others, including my own, who’ve traveled the path.
Children will be who they are – from the minute they breathe their first breath. The best thing we can do for them is recognize them and show them a world of possibilities.
I had long suspected there is an enormous capacity for love residing within a mother’s heart, but I was surprised that a seemingly infinite and very fierce capacity to defend took residence in mine.
It is wise to savor the period of time, no matter how fleeting, in which they mind what you say.
It’s difficult to live in the moment, part one: When mine were four and six, I wished fervently for Peter Pan to come and keep them forever in their absolute perfection.
When you screw up, your children are among the first to forgive, particularly when you admit. When my youngest barely could talk, I confided that we were on our way home without completing our stated errand because I had written the wrong date on the calendar. The response: “That’s okay, Mommy. When we get home, we’ll just erase your mistake.” Wouldn’t it be lovely if such were possible for every error?
It’s difficult to live in the moment, part two: When my oldest was in preschool, his teaching team gave me an assignment. I was to write my hopes and dreams, and then we all would devise an individual education plan to address those hopes and dreams within the context of his greater needs. I slaved over my written response: how I dreamt that he would find a romantic partner with whom he could spend a happy life, that I wished for him the ability to walk into a roomful of strangers and walk out at the end of the evening with at least one new friend, that he would be a good dinner partner – able to converse intelligently on a variety of subjects, and that he see the world as his oyster. We sat at the conference table and his lead teacher looked into my eyes very kindly and said how wonderful it was to read all this. “But,” she went on, sweetly, “we were sort of just thinking about the next three to six months.” Oh.
My dear friend, Judy, always said when they turned 14, aliens would come and take their brains. It happened to her and it would happen to me. This was entirely correct. Judy also said if we were lucky, the brains would be returned sometime in their 20′s. This, for the most part, has also been correct. 
It’s a good idea not to stress over things like messy rooms when they’re teenagers. God has invented doors that close to assist with this objective. In fact, it’s most reasonable if they are doing acceptably well in other areas not to set foot in their rooms for years except to change the smoke alarm batteries.
Sports may keep kids from doing stuff you don’t want them to do. At the very least, the way sports are structured these days, they’ll rarely have a minute to think. Neither will you. This is why it’s good to seek out other parents on the traveling team who realize the benefits associated with the hotel bar.
High school still sucks a lot, and kids are ready to be done with it long before it’s ready to be done with them. If you can bribe convince them to play the game, they’ll be the better for it. And it’s good practice if they’re going to wind up in a cubicle farm. Not that we’d wish that for them, but hey, it happens.
It’s okay if they don’t want to get their driver’s license right away. And they’ll live if they don’t pass the test the first time, too. In fact, it’s better that they flunk the test by one point than pass it by the same amount.
They will honor you in unexpected ways – with an off-hand remark, with a referral that a friend use you for a recommendation, by cracking up with you over something funny, or writing a note.
Don't waste your time and do your homework! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Boys in particular assign relevance to tasks in the context of their planet, not yours. This bears out most frequently with respect to homework completion. Also, it will be easier for you if you understand that simply because homework is completed doesn’t mean it will be turned in.
Putting them in the car and driving them someplace, either singularly or in groups, is a great way to find out what’s really going on or to get them to sleep, no matter their age.
At some point or another, most of them will save their best behavior for others. Rejoice that they feel safe enough with you to act the way they really feel.
The older you get, the less you care about stuff that isn’t going to matter. However, with a certain age comes the ability and opportunity to say whatever you wish about whatever you like. (Some of us are younger when this occurs.) Hopefully, you can learn to add sufficient charm along with this propensity so that you’ll be indulged more than not.
If you don’t want them making decisions for you in your dotage, know where you want to be and what you want to happen. Then get to work on it all.
Eavesdropping is an art.
Your own children will appreciate that you are interested in theirs. If you’re not the kind who is interested in the children of others, you’ll want to keep this in mind.
Uncle Sam might be the best employer for some of them. Others, not so much.
The child who tantrums for an extensive period may very well be the one who persists in asking for the raise as an adult.
Empathy is probably the best attribute you could nurture in any child.
You most definitely are the center of their world, but it never lasts as long as you want it to.
Wishing everyone a Happy Mother’s Day!
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Peter and Betsy Wuebker are location-independent professionals who share what they know about travel, simplicity and integrating work with life. 
I love the part about “erasing the mistake”. A couple of years ago Alex came up with “rewind”. When we would argue or things would start to get out of control, she would look at me and say “rewind, rewind”. We would stop fussing, laugh and go back to the point before it all started.
.-= Kim Woodbridge´s last blog ..Mother’s Day: How Would You Like to Be Remembered? =-.
We’ll re-title this one for June as fathers can use these suggestions, as well.
Our walk down the road of parenthood has had plenty of sharp curves and steep hills along with the long flat stretches. But when I think of these five kids today, I am happy with how these young adults turned out.
Who’d have thunk?
Thanks Moms.
PS: We all still worry about you kids, just not so much.
Dearest Betsy,
Each paragraph in your post reminds me of some event in my own mothering tenure….how nice that the children are now adults and I can reflect and nod and say “Yes, that is so true”. This is part of the gift of motherhood as well, I think.
Happy Mother’s Day to my dear friend!
Mary
PS Thanks for the “shout-out” as your “travel-team-hotel bar” companion!
Hi Betsy .. great post .. not having kids – I don’t know .. but I’ve heard some wonderful remarks from them! Great to see Pete here .. oh ok I can take out Dad’s Day from the calendar .. I’ve already read the post????!!!
I suspect I’ll be taken to the cleaners for this?
But Pete – great that you recognise Mums! especially your kids’ Mum!
My Mum said tome this week “clever girl” .. so at 89 stroked she still mothers me .. it doesn’t change – they love their Mum, their daughters and their sons .. and their hubbies .. well one of them!
Enjoy the pampering and the weekend .. Hilary
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..The Okavango Delta – the perfect place to Safari or holiday? = Yes for me! Part 3/3 – Sights and sounds .. =-.
Oh Betsy. Another beautiful post. When I was a kid I was on a local access TV show (Bozo). When asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, I replied, “A Mother.” That’s all I ever wanted to be. I loved every minute of it (mostly) and am so proud of my sons. They are the jewels in my crown. I will be forever grateful for the joy they have given me. Thanks for the tender moment.
Hi Kim – I still laugh and get teary at the same time when I think of the tiny cherub in her pink tutu piping that up from the back seat. I am going to use Alex’s awesome “rewind” technique. So profound they are, aren’t they?
Hi Honey – While I wouldn’t want to revisit some of those days, I concur completely. It’s a wonderful life.
Hi Mary – That whole era would have hardly been bearable without you! What fun we had, or rather we made fun. Remember when you made the mistake of asking Robin where I was? “Well, duh…in the bar.” LOL Mothers of the Year.
Hi Hilary – You’re right about at any age. I’d love to spend time with your mother, she sounds like a real pip! Thanks.
Hi Judy – What a blessing your perspective has been for me as well. Many was the time you reminded me, “this too shall pass.” It’s true, but the tender moments are immortal. Thanks.
Hi Betsy .. she’d have loved to have met you .. she loves hearing from everyone .. though it’s tricky now – with the temporary (I hope) loss of hearing.
She’s funny – she thinks I’ve lost my hearing & talks slowly .. and at other times won’t talk because she ‘knows’ I can’t hear .. but I can’t explain can I – I guess the brain’s a little muddled – but only a little! She can’t read either because of left sided neglect – a symptom of strokes, on the other hand can read the odd word & does .. on cards, or on the iphone – but it’s an effort .. for me getting it right & for her .. we cope & she’s very tired understandably!
Cold here still .. oh well .. good to get on with things .. have a lovely time this weekend .. Hilary
.-= Hilary´s last blog ..The Okavango Delta – the perfect place to Safari or holiday? = Yes for me! Part 3/3 – Sights and sounds .. =-.
Delightful Betsy and a wonderful tribute to Mother’s Day.
My most ardent tantrum girl just gets all these job offers and moves up…she just got her first truly well paying with benefits job and she was not scared or worried – she knew she had it and would be able to transfer it on to the next one?
I did the same thing for my youngest daughter’s ed. goals meeting – great mom’s think alike
I do have a secret….I am hoping that one day I will be a Grandmother, but I truly do not think I will be…this will be harder on my hubby, but I think it is reality, but saying that, I am so thankful we did not have a surprise in high school….or college…wow am I pleased about that!
.-= Patricia´s last blog ..Equal Rites ~Terry Pratchett =-.
Hi Betsy,
Ha! I love your friend Judy. Isn’t that the truth.
One thing I’d like to shout to the adult children of the world “We didn’t owe you perfection!”
Love my four girls and tried to write something like this but there was just too much in my head to sort out;)
Just tweeted and FB’ed this!
Why do I love this post so much? It made me laugh and cry, that’s why.
The part about your son at pre-school and all your future hopes for him — laughed out so loud here at the library others were joining in, without even knowing the cause of my sudden mirth.
Love what Kim writes — Kelly and I do some of that rewinding too!
Fun, and sweet!
xo
.-= Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Happy Mothers’ Day (a poem) =-.
I LOVED this post. All of it, but for some reason, this:
“The older you get, the less you care about stuff that isn’t going to matter. ”
Really speaks to me today. I’m almost 39… young, I know, but getting older and one of the best things about getting older, except for the self confidence and self acceptance, is that you completely lose patience for unimportant things.
This is awesome Betsy – I was LMAO at your advance planning error with the school. The driving test thing scares me. Over here you can learn to drive as soon as you’re seventeen and as soon as you pass you’re test you can drive around on your own – no special plates or anything, which is just so dangerous and wrong.
If we move to British Columbia, it will be 16, which seems scary but the kid can’t drive unsupervised, or with other teens for a long time. What are the rules in America?
I’m a 22 year veteran of the mommy wars and all I can say is “ditto”. Amen to each and every thing you’ve said here.
By the way – my 22 year old has already let me know she has a “plan” for when I become an outspoken yet unable to care for myself. She’s going to hire someone who doesn’t speak English so I can verbally abuse them and they won’t know. ACK!
I wonder if it’s too late to learn to hold my tongue!
.-= Kathy | Virtual Impax´s last blog ..When a Pest Control Company tries to Exterminate Negative Customer Reviews =-.
Betsy,
I’m not known for short comments, but all I can say regarding this post is this:
This is the best Mother’s Day post I have ever read!!!!
Loved it…thanks:~)
.-= Sara´s last blog ..One Cute Squirrel =-.
Hi Hilary – I often think of how you are caring for your dear Mother. This is a gracious gift.
Hi Patricia – It’s a fun perspective to take a look back on those years, isn’t it. I hope you get to be a grandma. You could always seek out grandchildren of choice!
Hi Tess – Amen on the owing perfection thing. It’s nice for them to think we might be capable of it, though. As if we’d choose not to be if we could be. LOL!
Hi Jannie – Yeah, the preschool test was really funny as I look back. I was so not on their page. LOL! Thanks for the FBing and Tweeting.
Hi Vered – Yes. Perspective on unimportant things. For me, it took a harrowing experience with my oldest to realize all the things I had worried about had absolutely no significance when compared with a situation where my son’s life was in the balance. Once you emerge from the emergency, you are changed. Thanks.
Hi Cath – The rules in the U.S. vary from state to state. Here you have a provisional license for a time at 16 (and a learner’s permit prior to that requiring a parent in the car), which prevents you from having certain aged passengers, imposes a curfew, etc. We’ve also banned all texting and teens may not use a cellphone while driving. It’s a long ways from all the uninhibited joy-riding I remember as a teen.
Hi Kathy – LOL! My daughter has reworded the song to “The Villages” jingle: “The Villagessssss, where we’re taking you to die. The Villagesssss, where you’ll sit around and cry.” She threatens me with The Villages if I don’t shape up. I don’t mind. I’ll just haunt her after I’m gone.
Hi Sara – Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it! Lessons hard learned! Or hardly?
Just in time for Mother’s Day – sharing a post from two years ago…. http://t.co/BTHFuxiY