a repository of thoughts, photographs, and observations from wherever we find ourselves

John Hoff, of WPBlogHost, is a trusted service provider to PassingThru. Click here to visit his site. We chose John because of testimonials from other bloggers whose opinions we trusted.

John is a valiant first responder whenever we need assistance (including one notorious incident where I sent this blog into oblivion and he miraculously restored it).  So we were pleased to be included among the group he selected to review his e-book and video project, WordPress Defender: 30 Ways to Secure Your Blog from Attack Anyone Can Do. Click here to view more details.

To be honest, I thought John’s attitude about security was a little over the top. When he began working on PassingThru, it seemed as though he was battening more hatches than we had.  All of a sudden we were locked up against intruders like Fort Knox.  I realize that my fear of all things technical had held PassingThru back from adequate protection.  This realization hit home after I received two emails last week confirming John’s security features had prevented hackers from accessing PassingThru.

Anyone whose blog has been hacked knows the implications are greater than being temporarily disabled. Google may not like you any more, even though you’ve fixed yourself.  All your hard work could be gone in an instant.  Anti-virus and malware programs may treat you as a suspected site.  Why wouldn’t you want protection against potential disability from predators like these?

I know John Hoff has forgotten more than I’ve ever known about blog security.  Fortunately, he’s put his knowledge in a 150 page e-book and 14 bonus how-to videos that show you exactly how to implement the protections he recommends.  The amount of comprehensive material in these resources is crazy – especially when you consider John’s offering them at 50% off through Wednesday, March 3, all for only $19.99.

John tells us: WordPress Defender isn’t some technical guide full of jargon that you can’t understand. I got so frustrated with that kind of stuff during my investigations that I swore the guide I wrote would be easy for everyone to read and that the security tactics would be so simple to implement that anyone – even brand-new bloggers and beginners – could use this guide.

WordPress Defender is written in everyday language that’s easy to follow. It’ll literally show you exactly how to turn your WordPress site from a prime hacker target into a locked-down fortress that’s impenetrable by anyone but you.

Even if you’re not currently blogging, but plan to, this is a good resource to have.  For your twenty bucks (until Wednesday, March 3 – after which the price goes up), you get resources for which others well might charge hundreds of dollars.  With John’s 30-day money back guarantee, this purchase is a no-brainer. Click here to purchase WordPress Defender.

I can’t recommend WordPress Defender highly enough.  Whether this is your first interaction with him, or whether you’re already aware of his skills and customer service ethics, his personality and all-around good guy approach will confirm John Hoff is a great asset to have on your side.

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The link to this charming vintage film arrived recently in an email from Michigan relatives.  It opens with views of the Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lake Shore and lovely Leelanau County, which we wrote about here.  The aerial view of Traverse City shows beautiful Grand Traverse Bay and the peninsula to the east of downtown where one of my two cousins who are lucky enough to live in T.C. resides today.

“Roaming Through Michigan” was filmed in 1949, before the Mackinac Bridge spanning the straits between the two peninsulas that comprise the state was built.  Construction on the five mile long Bridge began one month before I was born in 1954, and it was completed three years later.  The Bridge’s official site has a live webcam, showing a very snowy view as I write this, and there is a high wind warning in place.  Every Labor Day, the Governor of Michigan traditionally leads a walk across the Bridge.  I suppose if you needed to cross today, you’d want to take the center lane as far from the rail’s edge as possible. 

Even nowadays with the Bridge making it easy to get to, Michigan’s Upper Peninsula remains just as unspoiled as the views in the film from more than 60 years ago.  Michigan is beautiful, and I am proud to have been born and raised there.

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Every project has more than one backstory. From the individual experiences of its collaborators prior to the beginning of work, from the spark that created the idea, within the process of creation and production itself, and in what manner the process continues, if it does, there are always stories behind the scenes.

It’s been an interesting and wonderful few days since Lori Hoeck and I launched our e-book, The Narcissist: A User’s Guide. Thank you to everyone who has downloaded it!  (If you haven’t yet, you can get it here.) The conversation is flowing and that is a very good thing.

Having never collaborated in quite this way before, I found myself discovering how other creative people are inspired.  When their preferred form of creative output is so different than yours, it’s doubly fascinating.  Seeing how our collaborators transformed inspiration was magical. I want to tell you about it.

Right after New Year’s, I was startled to receive an email from Lori whose subject line said, “Big News . . . response needed.”  Sirius Graphix was planning to promote their e-book services.  As part of that, they were offering to showcase our e-book as representative of their design capabilities, and provide additional logistical assists.

Holy Buckets!  We didn’t even need to think about it!  We were writers, not designers.  Sirius could give us the visual aesthetic we coveted.  Plus, there were other possibilities with this proposal.    Perhaps there would be input regarding the launch process, or they might know people who would be open to reviewing the e-book.  Why not?

So, things began.  The most evocative exchange occurred at the very beginning. Deborah Dorchak asked a simple question:  So, what has been your wish list for your vision of the perfect ebook?

Lori and I each responded separately, but in similar ways.  And our responses were reflected back to get even more sense of what the e-book wanted to be.  Just like that, the conversation started.

Lori:  For this book, the word of the day would be “empowerment.” I don’t like self defense books that show the horror of an attack, but rather the successes. I want those beat up by narcissists to feel like they are OK and life will get better. I want the book to be a catalyst. Does empowerment and motivation have a color?

Deb:  You bet it has a color Clean like a zen garden with a tasteful touch of color or texture here and there. Nothing so strong as to detract from the main focal point, but quietly enhancing it.

Me:  I want something evocative of the peace I felt when I finally had put my narcissist at bay, but the segments in the e-book evoke stages in a narcissistic relationship.  I think the scary photo we chose for the cover had the searing, dreadful quality that someone desperate for help would recognize.  So somehow we want the graphic design to acknowledge the dread, but also be hopeful and promising.

I further went on (as I generally do):  The strength of empowerment that Lori describes is the positive counterpoint to all this yuck.  But I don’t see the strength as steely or muscular.  I see it more as confident and serene.  Also, I think the serenity and confidence has the element of awareness.  So yes, it’s very zen in that way, but I don’t know as if I want to see overtly Asian elements.  I like the African greeting of “I see you.”  It’s a peaceful acknowledgment in its main context.  But when a narcissist knows that you “see them,” that’s different.  They’ll give you a wide berth.

And Wendi Kelly came back with:  It sounds as if we have all lived through this experience in our own ways. . . I remember living through this time period and thinking that it was a very gray time.  In fact, I even called it the Gray Zone.  I am envisioning this as a gray-green color scheme.

When the mock-up for the cover and interior page came, Lori and I were both stunned.  The graphic elements we were seeing had captured “it” exactly. The shattered mirror effect was perfect – like we were taking a hammer to the object of a narcissist’s desire – them, of course.  The peacock feather was indicative of pride gone awry.  But the feather image was also beautifully colored in contrast to the gray, foreboding impression, so it seemed hopeful.

The brick wall sidebar made me think of achieving a breakthrough, although Deb pointed out that she had repeated the element from the cover photograph we had already selected.  “Sometimes a brick wall is merely a brick wall.” LOL!  But then Wendi said, “I love the brick wall. I don’t think I can count the times I felt like I was beating my head against it.” Okay, it was time for us all to stop.  The design had a life of its own.

Deb kept us moving:  If you’re all set with the basic layout and it looks good to you both I can start the typesetting. I’ll leave the sidebars empty in the meantime and if you want to send me a list of tweets or quotes or other stuff you’d want on them, that would be great.

The finished product was done within several days, ready for final edits and tweaking.  Overall, this process lasted three weeks from start to finish.  I was amazed how quick the transformation had been.

Pete and I have often marveled that when you tap into creative flow, you become a conduit.  The best work has an element of effortlessness, as if you are a messenger rather than a crafter.  You don’t mind working hard on something, because you’re producing it with clarity of purpose.  And you’re attuned to the signals of what something wants to be.  Purpose magically transforms process from work to joyful activity.

There’s no question that producing this book was a lot of work for everyone, and my fellow collaborators may feel differently about the process than I do.  But I can tell you, it’s been a great journey for me.  I revisited some places I’d left behind and came back to where I am now.  I was heartened by fellow travelers.  We all learned separately, as well as from each other when we came together.  What we could each say in our own way with our own talents has taken form.

That seems magical to me.  I know I’ll be on the lookout for similar magic when it presents itself again. It’s out there for everyone.  And that is one of the best of all things.

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Lori Hoeck of Think Like a Black Belt, and I discovered during a series of blog comment conversations that we had similarly been attracted to and involved with a certain type of charismatic individual. Our relationships with these individuals had gone on to transform into macabre dances of co-dependent need.

You might think this all might be some kind of exotic, bizarre, coincidental circumstance uncovered on the Internet. Rest assured, the bizarre aspect to these toxic relationships is why the vast majority of individuals allow themselves to be subject to them. Just like so many others, Lori and I each had been involved with a narcissist.

Most of us can point to the origins of mistakes we’ve made with relationships upon reflection. While hindsight is always 20/20, we may have become involved with people whose expectations and behavior ultimately hindered our growth. Perhaps we chose to ignore the warning signs that might have steered us differently. More often though, like Lori and I, we might have found ourselves wondering in bewildered fashion just what was going on with all the drama and emotional pain we experienced with these people. And even more alarmingly, we might even have concluded, as I did temporarily, that there might be no escape back into relative sanity.

How could things have been different? Were there red flags that Lori and I ignored? Did we willingly suspend our intuition and self-protective reactions to accept harmful behaviors in others? Were we somehow contributing to the toxicity or signaling availability to emotional opportunists? Was everything really our fault, as we were repeatedly told? Or might there be another integer lurking in the equation?

Lori and I battled our way out of those destructive relationships. We both acknowledge the heavy price we have paid in achieving our self-extraction. What we’re doing now is passing along not only what we learned, but what others know, and more importantly, what you can do to keep yourself in healthy relationships with a confident, assertive outlook. We’ve written The Narcissist: A User’s Guide and are making it available for free.

A narcissist is an individual with a wounded psyche who engages in protective behaviors with others. The relationship, to a narcissist, is a source of emotional nourishment. But the narcissist’s appetites are different. They feed their self-esteem by sucking yours out of you. They are having all the esteem they can possibly access and have no qualms about leaving very little of it around for anyone else.

Narcissists are found in all walks of life. They use a comparative method to determine their place in the world. Because deep down they view themselves as “less than,” they are constantly searching for someone – possibly, you – who by comparison is inferior. The tactics a narcissist uses can take many forms, but they are all rooted in ego fulfillment. They can masterfully seek out unresolved fear or pain you might have, push those buttons in you, and create an interplay that will certainly deplete and may ultimately destroy your emotional well-being.

The Narcissist: A User’s Guide turns that dynamic on its ear. Lori and I have gathered information, but more importantly, specific tips and scripts for you to use to start setting the terms of a healthy relationship. Neutralizing and negating a narcissist isn’t for the faint-hearted, but it can be done. You might decide your interests are better served by leaving the situation. Whatever its form, your decision to stand up for yourself will take guts and determination.

Lori and I meant our Guide to provide a basis from which you can draw your own conclusions. We’re betting that you may have had similar experiences, or you might know someone who has. Perhaps you’re currently involved in a narcissistic relationship.

You may want to educate yourself and your children to beware of these individuals, and thus move confidently and purposefully through life. In order to do that you’ve got to know who you’re dealing with, and the strategies and mechanisms you’ll need.

Lori and I wrote The Narcissist: A User’s Guide to help identify the harm that arises from interacting with a narcissist, and to validate an assertive, confident way through life’s journeys. We hope you’ll enjoy our e-book, and pass it along to anyone you think should have a look.

Follow us on Twitter:
@betsywuebker
@lorihoeck

The Narcissist: A User’s Guide has a Facebook page with a discussion area and a Squidoo lens.

If you have a story to share about your experiences with a narcissist, we’d love to hear it.  Drop me an email at betsywuebker AT passingthru DOT com.  If we stand up to narcissists, they’ll stand down.

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According to Wikipedia, the term laying the keel has “entered the language as a phrase meaning the beginning of any significant undertaking.”  In traditional shipbuilding, the keel is the structural beam around which the hull is built.  The keel acts as the spine of the ship, keeping it upright by providing ballast to counteract the lateral forces on the sail from the wind, and generating lift to “convert the sideways motion of the wind when it is abeam into forward motion.”  A ship won’t sail upright or straightforwardly unless it has a proper keel.

The importance and integrity of the keel was understood by the ancients.  Wikipedia also tells us that “the word “keel” comes from Old English ceol, Old Norse kjóll, = “ship” or “keel”.  It has the distinction of being regarded by some scholars as the very first word in the English language recorded in writing,” referring to Saxon ships in the 6th Century.  Nowadays, laying the keel is the first milestone in the history of a vessel.

Last November, Lori Hoeck and I set a keel in place.  We began the collaboration that resulted in the e-book we will launch next week, The Narcissist: A User’s Guide.  As I thought about everything that has led up to this moment of launch – the many blog posts that so intrigued me on Lori’s site, the offer from Sirius Graphix to give our words a beautiful presentation, and the additional support from those with whom we’ve shared the project – I realized more needed to be said.  I needed to tell you more about our project’s keel.

When Vikings built their ships, they split logs to make planks, planing them by chipping with an adz.  They understood that wood has a tendency to wick water, cell by cell, so the strength of any board could be easily compromised. Each log’s composition was evaluated for knots or scars. The adz planing process accommodated the individuality of the wood by extracting the planks from its center marrow, where the radial pores of the cells could run parallel along the plank’s length.

Jørn Olav Løset tells us the Vikings’ choppy, labor-intensive method actually contributed more to the individual plank’s strength by compressing the wood cells, creating a smoother surface that was more resistant to water.  The direction these planks were placed in the boat’s structure allowed the adz markings to work at rejecting the water flow, as well.  By working with the wood, not against it, the Vikings built stronger, more seaworthy boats than those of their contemporaries.  They sailed longer distances and weathered greater storms.

You can probably guess where all this is going.  When Lori and I began preparing the keel for our e-book project on narcissism and its harmful effects on relationships, we had to re-examine.  We knew we had independently arrived at similar conclusions from our own experiences in very dark places.  Organizing and categorizing what we’d concluded for me meant revisiting the forest, in search of the hardwood that would comprise my contribution’s spine.

What I found were the signs of pain, defense, and defiance.  I viewed the markings that parasitical opportunism had emotionally inflicted.  Some of the wounds had been very deep, and while certain areas had knit together in a haphazard emulation of unimpeded growth, others were barely protected with very thin scars, vulnerable.  The forest, just as I remembered it, was very dark.  If something grabbed me, its teeth could easily pierce me again.  But still, I had grown.

Instead of Lori and me laying the keel for this project, I realized this project had really done the selecting and the setting.  In choosing us, our content found something it could work with. For me, scraping away the layers, chipping around the hard new skin, planing the emerging surface with smoothness and calm imperviousness, was a process that revealed a stronger spine.  In Lori, I see work akin with her “determined heart and mind.”

Flanking the keel are the strakes that Sirius has provided.  Their visual representation is frankly stunning in its capture of the hard, dead-end realities of dysfunction, but leavened by the visual punning in a colorful peacock’s feather.

You, who will read this book and pass it along to others in similar situations, will be the rivets, the ribs, and the caulk, keeping our hull worthy of the sea.

There are many places to sail.  Away from and to.  PassingThru was conceived to be any number of journey-based reflections.  But before any launch, there must be “a keel that is truly and fairly laid” with authentication. Consider it done.

PassingThru is also honored:

• by the opportunity to post at Eliza Fayle’s Silver and Grace today about my other spine, the one that is affected by osteoporosis.  Thanks to Eliza – what a great site she is building!
• and by the effervescent Jannie Funster, who has bestowed upon us a Scary Clown award, citing the wordsmithing on PassingThru.  Ha!  Jannie today you get more!  Thank you!

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I’ve been on a journey and it’s about to take a new tack.

For the last couple months, Lori Hoeck, of Think Like a Black Belt, and I have collaborated on a project.  The result, The Narcissist: A User’s Guide, will be unveiled next week.

You might have already seen some Tweets or a post about this effort.  Sirius Graphix has done an outstanding job of giving our content a visual makeover, allowing it to sing with full-throated melody.  They could do the same for you and the song inside your writer’s voice.  Read about how it all happened with us, and what it could mean to you, here.  What goes around, comes around.

If you’re like me, when somebody launches an e-book, you’re interested in how it came to be.   Like any travel writer, I’ve found I can’t possibly give you sufficient detail of my stay in a place that would compare with your actual experience of being there, had you never been.  And even if you had, you’d be looking and experiencing with your own lens.  And so it is with this book.

While I won’t give you my entire story for a variety of reasons, I can tell you I was involved with a narcissist for more than two decades.  As well, there have been and possibly still are additional narcissists who play supporting roles in my life.

What’s different now? My dealings with them are more on my terms.  If you’ve ever known a narcissist, or if you’re dealing with one now, you know your own terms can be a very difficult destination to reach.

It’s taken me a long time to get here. All those years ago, my primary reaction to narcissistic behavior in others was disbelief – as in not being able to comprehend how a person could ever think it was acceptable to treat other people so terribly.  I never considered there might be something good that would emerge from such a horrible situation when I was living there.  But now it has.  What goes around, comes around.

Narcissists are emotional predators. In order to build up their own self-esteem, they suck yours out of you.  Inhabiting their grotesquely distorted world – where you constantly fall short of ever-changing expectations – can lead to depression, apathy, feelings of dread, and other more serious disorders.

Like a garden-variety addict, a narcissist needs ever-greater amounts of his “fix,” which is comprised of elevating his own status by comparison with his inferiors.  This would be everyone, of course, but most of all, you.

Lori, whose mission is to empower people to take charge of their physical and emotional safety, and I realized we had similar experiences with narcissistic individuals.  When we agreed to collaborate, we wanted to organize what we had learned, and share tactics we had used with success.  I never dreamed this process would send me on a temporary visit back to the barren emotional wasteland I lived in when involved with my narcissist.  It was harsh, oppressive and terribly frightening.

And so, in a way, this collaboration has been a re-affirmation of the lengthier journey I made out of the dark years to the much better emotional place in which I live today.  What goes around, comes around.

In The Narcissist: A User’s Guide, Lori and I provide a way to turn a toxic dynamic on its ear.  Instead of the narcissist using you, the tools in the Guide can be used to leverage your strength and goodness against this emotional vampire. You can then demand the predator hunt elsewhere for its victims.  And more importantly, you can put boundaries in place to guard against future detrimental encounters with narcissists.

Here are some reactions from previewers:

This is incredible! As it is printing off I am reading it…the contents cannot but help provide a space for reflection, decision-making, and healing for anyone involved in this kind of relationship. Great work!  -  Gracia Hegener

We all know the meaning of the word “narcissist”.  Many of us know one or more of them and even more of us know someone with “narcissistic tendencies”.  But we aren’t necessarily able to quickly identify them and how they operate in our lives.  Lori and Betsy helped me in that regard.  Their workbook is filled with examples, situations, and definitions that helped me recognize the narcissists in my life.  Because of their work, I am better able to keep these narcissists at arm’s length and less a part of my life. Betsy and Lori have defined “freedom” in a new way for many.  I highly recommend reading their work. – Mary Hoffman

Lori’s post today at Think Like a Black Belt gives you more great insight about what’s in the e-book.  From start to finish, from identification to good riddance, at whatever stage in your relationship with a narcissist, our guide will help you move forward.

Instead of being stuck in a relationship that’s out of your control, you can take some back.  Instead of someone constantly lording it over you, you can reclaim sovereignty over your own healthy relationships.  And while you may not be able to change a narcissist, you can liberate yourself from their attempts at emotional imprisonment and deprivation.

Narcissists live and work in the same places we do.  They make problems for human resource departments.  They adversely affect teamwork in professional and recreational settings.  They poison family relationships with abusive and cruel behavior.  They inhabit the hallways of bureaucracies and troll the internet.  The effects of their havoc can live on long after their departure.  We think it’s time more people stood up to them. The Narcissist: A User’s Guide will show you how.

I said when we started, “If this e-book helps ONE person escape a damaging relationship, the work will be worth it.” I can tell you with certainty this objective has already been met.  When it’s released next week, we’re going to see it happen over and over again.  What goes around, comes around.

The Narcissist: A User’s Guide will be available for free download on February 2, 2010.

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Approximately one-third of us who made New Year’s resolutions are on track to break them before the end of the month.  Franklin Covey’s survey found that “35 percent of respondents break their New Year’s resolutions by the end of January.” Additionally, 77% are abandoned at some point or another altogether, leaving only a 23 percent success factor.  While some people can seemingly break their promises to themselves with relative impunity, it’s safe to say most people will be disappointed in, and critical of, themselves.

Our Inner Critic can be a valuable resource, inducing us to strive for better performance after evaluating the quality of our work and relationships.  But for some people, the Inner Critic goes into overdrive.  When your Inner Critic is on steroids, you’re convinced you’re no good.  You can’t, you’re less than, you’re not worthy, and ultimately, you’ll be fearful of risk and change.  Paradoxically, the very thing you want to do – change something – is the thing you’re kept from doing.

While it primarily uses self-talk, the Inner Critic isn’t afraid to take messages from others – implied or overt – and adapt them to suit its purpose.  This is rooted in the idea of protecting our fragile esteem, but things can go haywire relatively quickly.

Much of the time, we talk to ourselves in ways we would never dream of speaking to another, and we accept harmful messages from ourselves that we would never put up with if they came from someone else.  Freeing ourselves from the toll these messages take and the harm they can wreak requires constant vigilance.

In worst case scenarios, the Inner Critic can transform a healthy psyche into a neurotic, compulsive, compensation machine. Since the Critic’s means is comparison, unrelenting harsh assessments can result in envy, which in turn can manifest feelings of dread, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self-mutilation, and narcissism.

Aaron Ben-Ze’ev, writing in JSTOR: The Journal of Philosophy, argues that while a state of envy might imply a need for balancing an inequality, reducing inequality in most cases raises envy’s intensity.  If by comparison we find ourselves lacking in a desired attribute, such as material wealth, beauty, intelligence or something else we desire, we feel more inferior, resentful and even hostile.

As well as cultivating envy, inferiority and mistrust, your inner critic relies upon the premise that you don’t deserve what you desire.  We’ve all had brushes with Imposter Syndrome no matter how accomplished we are.  Muffling our Inner Critic is critical to keep things in more realistic perspective, where the process of changing behaviors can occur in relaxed circumstances, free from negative thoughts.

It’s a difficult process to mask or reduce the effects of negative criticisms that come from within ourselves.  Reviewing your credentials and accomplishments can remind you of your factual successes.  Since your inner critic is rooted in emotion, objective response can be neutralizing.

When you strive to do things well – perfectly, even – you can unwittingly give your Inner Critic an open invitation. I have frequently said, “No one can beat me up better than I can myself.”  The truth inherent in that statement is that internalized messages are likely amplified by the voice of the inner critic so much as to not even closely resemble an accurate appraisal.  It was a revelation to realize that “good enough” regularly does just fine.

Resolving to make changes, setting goals and objectives, and stretching our performance levels in our personal and professional lives are worthy activities.  While you’re starting something new, trying to make a change or when you know you’re doing your best work, inviting your Inner Critic to take a hiatus is a healthy alternative. Susan David, at the Harvard Business Review writes, “The trick to dealing with your inner critic is to develop a balanced relationship with it: to not ignore or avoid it and the emotions it raises, but to also not allow yourself to be bullied by it.”

What happens to someone who allows himself to be bullied by an Inner Critic? Well, as you might suspect, it isn’t pretty.  Sam Vaknin tells us we can be “. . . besieged and tormented by a sadistic Superego which sits in constant judgment. It is an amalgamation of negative evaluations, criticisms, angry or disappointed voices, and disparagement . . .” In other words, an Inner Critic that is allowed to run rampant can create a need to “satisfy the inexorable demands of his inner tribunal and to prove wrong its harsh and merciless criticism.” Behold, the narcissist.

Lori Hoeck, of Think Like a Black Belt, and I have been collaborating and exploring how a narcissistic response to an Inner-Critic-on-Steroids evolves.  We’ll be revealing our conclusions in a reference you can download.

Lori and I envisioned our project as a way for you to protect yourself from a dysfunctional dynamic within – the first line of healthy self-defense.  Additionally, our scripts and tips can neutralize some of the more unpleasant realities if you have been or currently are involved with a narcissist.  It’s coming soon!  Even if you’re simply struggling with hyper-critical self-messages, you will be amazed by how harmful the unchecked effects of an Inner Critic can be in contributing to unhealthy co-dependencies.

Letting our Inner Critic run rampant creates a mental prison that keeps us from our best. It will distort, bully, and resist the changes we so desperately and regularly attempt to make.  Instead of allowing it to beat us up, a more healthy way of keeping it in check is to realize it’s there, confront and deflect, and then move forward with clarity and strength.  “Yeah, I was disappointed in myself when I didn’t follow my exercise plan.  I even wondered why I couldn’t seem to stick with it.  I’ve decided to start going to the gym before work when my day is first beginning, instead of after work when I’m tired and too easily tempted to just go home and stay there.”

While you may have already broken your New Year’s resolutions, there’s still no reason you can’t start them all over again. If you never made any because you told yourself you’ve never been successful at keeping them in the past, you can begin working on a meaningful goal, too.  After all, with your Inner Critic on hiatus, wouldn’t everyone be in your corner if you did?

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Traveling by car for more than ten hours gives you plenty of time to think, even when the weather is dicey.  When Pete and I set out to visit family in Michigan for the holidays, I welcomed the drive time.

It seemed as though the entire blogging world was filled with end of the year content: enumerating best posts, reviewing quantifiable results, looking forward to the New Year, wondering if it would be “okay” to unplug for a week or so without conceivable harm, and so on.  Except here.  “Oh well,” I thought to myself.  “You’ll write something for PassingThru when you’re moved to write it.”

And the truth is, I wasn’t moved to write something until now.  A post Chris Brogan wrote on January 1 resonated with me and I thought about it on our way back, all the way through Wisconsin.  (And our friend Lance at The Jungle of Life knows just how long that is!)  Chris selects three words each year to guide his goal-setting and keep him mindful of his objectives.  It’s an admirable practice.

Last year, Lance asked what our word might be for 2009, quoting Oliver Wendell Holmes: “A word is not a crystal, transparent and unchanged; it is the skin of a living thought, and may vary greatly in color and content according to the circumstances and the time in which it is used.”

Lance chose as his 2009 word, “Courage.”  Mine was “Mindful.”  I commented, “My word is mindful. I think I’m fairly aware and observant, but, like Vered, I want to live more in the present. What’s done is done, and what comes will come. Right now needs to be vivid and abundantly enough.”

I mentally reviewed the events of 2009 as we hurtled westward on I-90 chasing a darkening sky.  I had definitely been more mindful.  Circumstances had aligned to cause Pete and me to abandon the past, and appreciate the things in our midst.

Our best outcomes were unveiled easily, logically, sequentially, and contained an element of joy.  Worst outcomes have always been the ones where we struggled against the current, forcing a deal or reluctant result.  We had finally said goodbye to activities that needed to go, and had opened our minds and hearts to new opportunities.  We had celebrated and renewed relationships in the family.  We had mourned, and we had rejoiced.  It was all good.

Still, I wondered.  What might the word be for 2010?  Better yet, could I possibly come up with three words, as Chris did?  Chris’s discussion centered on how his three words “sit above the actual goals, and set [his] guiding principles in place.” His post advised to “come up with something that would take more than a sentence to describe, but that when you think about it, the ideas explode out to fill your head with thoughts of how you might want to conduct yourself.” Words with life in them.  Words made of bedrock, not clay.  Words that would spark.

The blue moon’s remnant rose to our north and illuminated the frozen midwest landscape in the late afternoon of the first day of the year.  As we stopped west of Black River Falls at the Club 95 for dinner, I set my thoughts aside and people-watched.  The rural revelers were capping off the holidays.  A waitress’s parents came in and she greeted them with unbridled delight and an “I love you.”  New babies were content to be passed along to willing surrogates among several generations.  At the bar where we sat, folks were greeted by name, and we felt comfortable joining in the good-natured banter.

Earlier, around Madison, we had tuned into Wisconsin Public Radio.  The subject was champagne.  Tilar Mazzeo, who had written The Widow Clicquot: The Story of a Champagne Empire and the Woman Who Ruled It, mentioned this seminal quote from her book: Toward the end of her life, in the 1860s, she wrote to a great-grandchild: “The world is in perpetual motion, and we must invent the things of tomorrow. One must go before others, be determined and exacting, and let your intelligence direct your life. . .” Mindful, the Widow Clicquot was.  Her words might have been “invent,” “go,” and “determination.”

On the show, Mazzeo also debunked the oft-quoted fable of Dom Perignon, who was said to have cried out after his first sip of his creation, “Come quickly!  I am drinking the stars!”  No matter, I thought.  Champagne is by far one of the happiest accidents.  The Widow Clicquot married her considerable entrepreneurial skills with her passion for creating a flawless, sparkling product for new markets in St. Petersburg and London.  Mazzeo attributes the work of Madame Clicquot as paving the way toward “mass-culture celebration.”

As we completed the final 50 miles to the Twin Cities, I thought again of our own celebrations.  Before we left for Michigan, we enjoyed the company of family and friends on a lovely winter Sunday afternoon.  The champagne flowed freely, and we honored each other with gifts chosen or handmade from the heart.

When we arrived in Michigan, we celebrated with members of my family.  My brother and sister and I had not been all together at Christmas in over thirty years.  The following days we spent with cousins, for whom it had been more than forty.  We toasted many times during the week, culminating with a midnight glass on New Year’s Eve.  We honored those who had left us, and anticipated one new baby and two upcoming weddings.

As Pete and I rolled across the St. Croix River bridge, I had my three words.  Not as business-focused, perhaps, as those Chris Brogan chose.  Not as reverential as a more enlightened thinker might select.  But definitely filling my head with ideas about how I might want to conduct myself, and easily taking more than a sentence to explain – even for someone not as wordy as me! 

My three words remind me to not let the day-to-day distract me from celebrating what matters.  I will appreciate and support.  I will continue to let go of negative influences.  I will seek out positive people and opportunities that constantly flow.  I will enjoy life unfettered by needless worry of my own making.  I enter the new decade filled with promise and good will.

My three words:  Drink. More. Champagne.

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Wow, where did December go?  Here we are getting ready to travel to visit family in Michigan over the holidays and it seems like I wrote our last post just a few days ago!

Let’s see, what have we been doing?  Well, for starters, my daughter Robin (on left) and her two BFF’s, Thu Tram (center) and Kelsey (right) came over a few days before our holiday party to decorate oodles of gingerbread moose and houses, as well as the best cookies ever, if I do say so.

Here is the recipe:

Cream Cheese Sugar Cookies

1 cup granulated sugar

1 cup softened butter

1 – 3 oz package of cream cheese (I substitute the 8 oz package to make chewier cookies)

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon almond extract

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

1 egg yolk (reserve white)

2-1/4 cup all-purpose flour (can need up to 2-3/4 cup depending on dough consistency)

In large bowl of stand mixer combine sugar, butter, cream cheese, salt extracts and egg yolk. Beat with wire whisk attachment until fluffy. Switch to paddle blade attachment and stir in flour in small amounts until blended.

Divide dough in half and wrap with plastic wrap, chill for 2 hours. Preheat oven to 375 F.

On lightly floured surface, roll out dough to 1/8 inch thickness. Cut into desired shapes with cookie cutters. Place cookie cut-outs 1 inch apart on ungreased cookie sheets.

Leave plain for post-baking decorating, or brush with lightly beaten egg white and sprinkle with colored sugars. Bake 7 to 10 minutes or until light golden brown.

Cookies will puff up during baking somewhat. Cool in pans on wire racks, and then transfer cookies to wire racks until completely cooled.   Decorate with royal icing, sprinkles, or silver dragees as desired.

The girls had a lot of fun and it was really great to have a house filled with their laughter.  They were inseparable throughout high school and now that they’re all in college, they don’t see each other as much as they’d like.

Kelsey has always been quite the artist and her creations underscore how talented she is.  Check out the technique on this gingerbread moose!  I showed Kelsey a photo and she went to town!

Little Daisy loves her girls.  She was so excited to be part of the fun, despite her serious look here.

On Sunday, we held a Christmas party for family and friends.  Pete cooked up a storm:  Walnut/Apple Butter Ragelach, Empanadas, Crabmeat Cups, Mini Pumpkin Pies, Curried Carrot Dip, Sundried Tomato Dip, Spinach Feta Dip and other things I’ve misplaced in my brain at the moment.  Everyone was merry and the champagne flowed freely.

Preparing for this party and another project I’ve been working on have taken the time between Thanksgiving and now.  I’m excited about collaborating with Lori Hoeck of Think Like a Black Belt on a project that is a different kind of recipe: an antidote that many of us might find extremely helpful after enduring difficult moments with certain kinds of people.  You know, the kind who make things unnecessarily trying.

That’s all I’m going to say at the moment, but there will be more after New Year’s!

This is another recipe I received in an email yesterday.

Recipe for Christmas All Year Long by Joanna Fuchs

Take a heap of child-like wonder

That opens up our eyes

To the unexpected gifts in life—

Each day a sweet surprise.

Mix in fond appreciation

For the people whom we know;

Like festive Christmas candles,

Each one has a special glow.

Add some giggles and some laughter,

A dash of Christmas food,

(Amazing how a piece of pie

Improves our attitude!)

Stir it all with human kindness;

Wrap it up in love and peace,

Decorate with optimism, and

Our joy will never cease.

If we use this healthy recipe,

We know we will remember

To be in the Christmas spirit,

Even when it’s not December.

As we travel tomorrow, our thoughts will invariably turn to all the wonderful friends we’ve made here at PassingThru.  It has been a great experience throughout our second calendar year, and we’re always so gratified when old friends and new stop in to say howdy and offer a comment or opinion on what’s striking our fancy.  Thank you to everyone.

Whatever your plans, and wherever you’re Passing Thru this holiday season, we wish you the Merriest of Christmases and our best regards for a healthy and prosperous New Year! And to all a good night!

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